Sunday, 19 August 2012

I MISS OLD GAMES

I miss old games. (as the fucking title implies)


They were better (mostly) and I'll explain why.



They were fucking BETTER. Not so much in terms of graphics or realism (fucking stupid) but in the fact that all games back in the day HAD to be story driven. You NEEDED to be INVOLVED in that fucking shit to get your head around it. Need to find a shovel in a zombie infested graveyard with nothing but good looks and the moonlight to see by? NOT a fucking problem because you knew for a god damn fact that shovel had a POINT. It was so necessary your own parents mattered less. You didn't know why (at this point) and you didn't fucking care, you needed it, and you were going to get it.

7 HOURS LATER

You come to the house of the old family of (who fucking cares), "please find the body of our beloved brother and lay him to rest"...

BOO-FUCKING-GOD-DAMN-YA CUNT!!

*you use shovel*
*nothing happens*


...... fuck.


THAT is why I love old school games. They make you so fucking infuriated that you HATE them. And so, you think about it at work or school, ALL day. You think about it because it makes you seethe with hatred, and you go over every single fucking god damn step you took up to that point, scrutinising every single inch detail.. until it hits you. Some old lady right at the start said "take this with you" but you didn't actually pick it up. Well FUCK balls. Time to back track. And as you back track through the levels, your hate slowly dissipates as you return through area's you once though difficult, and laugh at how easily they are solved now, you start to develop a feeling of superiority over the game till you finally get back to where you needed that thing and..

*use item*
*door opens*

FUCKING FUCK THE FUCKING HELL FUCKING YEAH!

*Unknown Creature kills you*

......     .... .. .. .......

It's at this point you become so fucking angry you could climb a clock tower. You are a blinding ball of furious hatred. But you WANT to keep playing, you feel COMPELLED to continue. This game will NOT get the best of me, not a fucking CHANCE!!! And it is with that feeling that you spend the next several days struggling over and over and over again until you sit there with a pen and paper and WRITE OUT exactly what goes on and when/how, so you can learn how to defeat it. None of this 'look it up on the internet' shit. You have to do this on your own. And I would happily bet that anyone who thinks "Gears of Failure War" is a 'hard' or 'challenging' game, never played Super Probotector 3 (Super Contra 3 for you useless fucking amerifags) on hard..

I only ever play a game on its hardest setting immediately, only because these days its the best challenge I can get. Back in the day there were NO difficulty settings, because the only difficulty was FUCK YOU!

Granted, there are a few (SERIOUSLY FUCKING FEW) 'new' games that are 'actually' hard on their hardest setting. To name a few;

Painkiller(One of my top rated games of all time)
Super Meat Boy(Only because of its superb use of old school gameplay[i.e. I fucking hate it so I love it])
Clive Barkers Undying(fucking WICKED mad game, play it cause its crazy good story will make you cry and shit bricks for days)
Devil May Cry (yes you failure's, I have 100% triple S on 3 AND 4, Heaven and Hell and even Hell and Hell)
Max Payne (Again, story driven awesome.. seeing a fucking pattern?)
F.E.A.R. (Story driven epic game play.. need I continue?)


I cant even go on because trying to think of all the games that were GOOD is only making me remember the fucking shit ass one's and that makes me want to set school's on fire.


Go play something like The Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past. And then try and tell me modern gaming holds a candle to it.


"Oh noes, random underground people of who cares where or fucking why have taken over the whole planet, and we have to now rely on a man who despite having been in PRISON on a DESOLATE WASTELAND of a planet, still looks like a walking refrigerator holding a gun, with superhuman regenerative abilities (that all men seem to possess) and to be able to shrug off most incoming BULLETS, to save us, all despite his hatred for command and military rank (which he suddenly also shrugs off just so we can have an 8 hour game of muscly men shooting things and saying bad ass phrases), then acting like it was nothing because it makes him look more like a bad-ass that way.."

I fucking hate what games have become. I really have started looking in the indie section in the hopes I find a single fucking gem that I can someday hopefully share with the masses and help them climb out of the festering hole of stupidity and moronicism (its a word, look it up) that has become the modern game scene.

Also, I don't count sports games. If you want to play it, go play it, don't pretend to be someone else or even a whole team, its just fucking sad. Has ANYONE ever actually picked up a chick by saying "yeah, I beat madden 2011 on my first try"...?

FUCKING NO.

Go die in a fire.

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Pride is not the opposite of shame, but it's source. True humility is the antidote to shame.~ Uncle Iro.

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